We come into the world wired for connection and completely dependent on our caregivers. From temperature regulation to mobility to a need for physical touch we are utterly helpless. Indeed, babies who do not have their basic needs met typically have developmental lags in their physiology, social and emotional capacity, stress response systems, cognitive and language development, and identity formation. In other words, virtually every aspect of them is impacted.
A baby has thousands of experiences during the first few months alone that teach them about themselves and the world around them. When they cry they are picked up and soothed, when they hurt they are comforted, when they are uncertain they are reassured, when they are hungry they are fed. Having these needs met not only provides the safety net in which they can explore and learn but also teaches them about their worth and importance.
Simultaneously, during the first two years of life the baby’s brain structures are undergoing tremendous growth which allows for an increasingly sophisticated understanding of themselves and the world around them. In fact, it is the thousands of early experiences between the baby and the primary caregiver(s) in conjunction with their growing brain that sets up a fundamental framework, all before they have language, through which the baby will view themselves and all other relationships as they get older. And so, in a healthy and optimal relationship, repeated experiences reinforce that we learn we are lovable for who we are, our voice matters, our body is our own, our body is strong and good, and our body is one aspect of our entire identity.
As we get older, while we may become more independent, we never stop needing others. Regardless of our age, it is the human condition to need to matter. At some point, other influences are introduced into our lives, such as peers and media. Our parents, peers, and the media are all different vehicles for us to receive messages about ourselves. Media consumption begins in infancy or toddlerhood for most kids these days. By the time a child is 8-12 years old, they consume on average 6 hours of entertainment media a day. Depending on the peers and media we are surrounded with, we either receive messages that are consistent with what we learned during our first few years of life (e.g. we are special, we matter, our bodies are good, we don’t need to change our appearance to be liked) or we start to receive varying degrees of contradicting messages (e.g. you’ll have more friends if you change your appearance, people will respect you if you are good at this sport or online game, you’ll fit in better if wear this product etc.)
By the time we are 10 years old we have had millions of experiences that have laid the groundwork for the architecture of our belief systems, which importantly, occurs largely outside of our conscious awareness. Yet our prefrontal cortex, the rational, logical, abstract, thinking part of our brain is still highly immature and only beginning to develop. We are unable to decipher nuanced and subtle messages and must be taught how to decode the meaning of the layers that we see and experience around us.
Too often, our conversations around body image begin when our children are entering puberty and for many tweens, their body image is plummeting. And while I believe it is never too late to reach any person to nurture a positive body image, if we, as parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, and important adults of our kids’ lives, started understanding that body image formation ultimately begins when we are very little, the easier it would be to set up a whole generation for resilience in the first place.
What this means has huge practical implications in a number of places, but I’ll highlight three.
First - As parents we must realize that we are critical in nurturing a positive body image and that this job is first and foremost up to us. If we are struggling, it is prudent that we get help to free ourselves from the shackles of destructive thought processes and belief systems that are hurting us. It’s very hard to nurture in someone else, something you don’t have. (If you’d like help in how to help your kids work through this as a parent, check out our Parent Program here.)
Second - Because media consumption begins at such a young age and the amount children consume is high, most kids are being exposed to a large quantity of messages about who they are and who they should be. As their brains are still immature, it is imperative that we teach our children critical thinking skills from a very young age so that they have the capability to question and understand the deeper ideas of what they are ingesting. While we have lots of control over the media they consume and messages they receive as toddlers and young children, this changes as they get older. We can’t continue to control all the messages our kids are going to receive from the media, but if we can teach them to engage with media in a critical way then we have given them a layer of armor to protect against harmful or hurtful messages.
Third - We need to intentionally and continuously create experiences that teach the children in our life, regardless of their body or appearance, that they are enough as they are. Many of the deeper messages in media and advertising attempt to answer the question that we all carry from infancy onward: Am I loveable? Do I matter? Am I worthy of respect? Am I enough? We want to ensure the experiences we are giving our children, from infancy onward, continue to answer these questions in a healthy way. If we don’t answer them, the media will have an answer packaged in a sophisticated and nuanced way that says if you buy this product, if you change your body, if you have a large social media following, if you do x, y and z, then you’ll be enough, worthy of respect and love. (Head here for a FREE resources on some prompts for discussion or journalling with your children.)
As a society, if we continue to wait until puberty or even late childhood to start talking about body image, we will continue to fight the same battles against deeply ingrained, largely unconscious belief systems that have been developing for years. If we were to recognize that our sense of self, including body image formation, begins as a baby we would be able to nurture more resilient, embodied, and confident children as we work to “fill their bucket” and teach them, they are enough and worthy of love, irrespective of their appearance or body.
Interested in doing this work in your household, community, or family? Head here for more information on our Parent Program, or you can snag our Parent Workbook here, or you can head here for more free resources, books, and videos.
