Find Strength In Your Story During NEDA Week

By Kate Bucaro Free To Be Talks Facilitator and U.S. Program Liaison, Mental Health Advocate and Eating Disorder Recovery Speaker

In case you didn’t know, it’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, a time to raise awareness about a dangerous and isolating mental illness that affects millions of women and men annually.

Every year, I go back and forth about participating in NEDA Week and I think that stems from the uncertainty of what it really means to “participate”. 

According to the National Eating Disorder Association, eating disorders are serious but treatable mental illnesses that affect people of every age, sex, gender, race, ethnicity, and socioeconomic group. No one knows exactly what causes eating disorders, but a growing consensus suggests that a range of biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors come together to trigger an eating disorder.

In my quest to determine how to participate in NEDA Week and support the mission to raise awareness this year, I want to share a story; but not about my struggle. I believe the online conversation around NEDA week needs to change. 

The theme, Come as You Are, highlights the movement towards inclusivity in the greater eating disorder community. The campaign expressed that, regardless of your body shape, weight, race, gender, identity, ability, religion, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or your stage of body acceptance and eating disorder recovery, your story is valid and deserves to be heard. 

I love the theme this year and I believe it has sparked an incredibly valuable online conversation. Historically, our society has portrayed a pretty narrow-minded “look” when it comes to eating disorders. But the truth is, eating disorders don’t discriminate, and all those who are struggling or have been touched by an eating disorder deserve to share their story. 

But here’s the thing: somewhere along the way, the support and value that comes with this week of awareness can easily get buried by an influx of before and after photos that seem to clutter the #NEDAWeek hashtag. 

It may seem small compared to the volume of posts you see in your feed, but these side-by-side images inadvertently create a space that welcomes comparison and judgement while reinforcing the idea that eating disorders are all about our outward appearance; and that is simply not the case…

Read the full article on Thrive Global

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6 Valuable Things I Gained from Taking a 6 Month Break from Instagram

I was reading the story of Heidi to my daughter tonight. For those who are unfamiliar with the beloved children’s tale, it is about a little girl (Heidi) who goes to live with her grandfather in the Alps and how she helps transform everyone she encounters into a better person. While reading, I was struck by how few friends Heidi has – Peter the goat herder and Clara from Frankfurt. And though I know this is a fictional story, it stood as a powerful contrast to the hyper-connected world we live in.  And what I have realized is that a hyper-connected world comes at a cost. Well in 2019 I underwent a radical experiment disconnected from Instagram (my primary personal and business social media platform) for over 6 months and it profoundly changed me. What I gained from stepping away from this platform was so helpful, that I thought I would share what happened.   

 Over the last year my friend, filmmaker Elena Rossini, introduced me to various authors she was reading while researching for her upcoming documentary, The Realists. To start, I learned about Jaron Lanier and his case for deleting all social media accounts, Cal Newport and his philosophy of deep work, and Ben Grosser on how to demetricate social media platforms. The more I learned the more I became curious about the impact social media was having in my life. I had my first taste of “unplugging” in December 2018 when Elena and I instigated a two-week experiment with my Free To Be online community to implement Ben Grosser’s demetricator for Instagram and Facebook. While I continued to use the platforms with the modification (which was helpful), I ended up decreasing my use on the apps. Yet I never fully unplugged.

However, a change happened to me in the spring this year when I decided that instead of trying to achieve specific objectives I would instead try to live by explicit values. After hearing this idea first from Erin Treloar on her Raw Beauty Talks podcast, I set 3 goals in front of me. First, I wanted to do work that was meaningful to me. Second, I wanted to be engaged and present in daily life. And third, I wanted to move my body and be more active. I took these goals seriously. I managed my time and even turned down opportunities if they conflicted with my newly chosen values. Over time I found myself posting less and telling my social media coordinator to do the same. I began to delete Instagram each time after posting to create more friction so that I couldn’t mindlessly (and easily) enter the platform.

At this point, it might be helpful to know my baseline of social media use. Instagram has always been my primary social media platform for both my personal life and business. Prior to May, I was using Instagram 6 days a week and would spend hours over the month creating content for it. I have not struggled with time management on Facebook in many years (though I can get trapped in the endless scroll feature), so I still continued to use it occasionally. The concept of Pinterest causes my blood pressure to rise so I only use it if I absolutely must. And I don’t have Twitter, Snapchat, or TikTok.

By the end of May I had stopped going on Instagram and posting content and I had noticed a substantial shift in myself (more about that below). So, for the next 6 months (aside from 2x where I briefly logged in to intentionally post something) I abstained from logging on to my Free To Be Instagram account. In retrospect, I believe I might have gone onto my personal Instagram page a handful of times over the 6 months to look for something or someone. However, unplugging from Instagram rocked my world in a number of very useful ways:

1)    I became way more present in my day-to-day life.

Truth be told I would often have a hamster wheel in the back of my head spinning if I came across something I liked. Questions such as, “Should I post this?” “What should I caption this?” occurred more often than I had realized or dared to admit. I had developed a default thinking pattern and it took me out of the present moment of whatever I was engaged in – be that with my kids, husband, friends, or even enjoying being outside. That voice quieted down and became almost non-existent.

2)    I became more creative and produced more meaningful work.

Prior to May, I would spend my time writing content for Instagram, and my passion for researching and writing was pushed to the backburner. I started researching and writing again in a variety of topics that were important to me, including complex trauma for children.

I was also able to co-found and begin operations on another non-profit organization, Care For Women, to support new mothers during the complex and challenging first few weeks of motherhood (another issue important to me).

3)    I began executing a revised and crystalized business plan for Free To Be.

As I learnt more about the philosophy of deep work (thanks Cal Newport) I spent time developing strategies that would improve the long-term health of my non-profit. Prior to May, to stay ahead of the ever-changing, ever-penalizing algorithm, I was constantly getting distracted and would spend time scrolling, commenting, and creating content for Instagram. I decided that was unsustainable and radically shifted my goals and created a vision and clearer plan about how to help more kids and grow Free To Be outside of social media. 

4)    My attention improved.

This is still a work in progress, but believe it or not, I noticed over the course of 6 months that my brain was slowly being rewired to not need a “hit” from the ever-changing novelty Instagram provides. I began reading even more books and intentionally engaging in activities where my attention needed to be sustained.

5)    I started thinking when I was bored.

Not allowing myself to absentmindedly scroll meant I was bored at various times in the day. I realized I had wired my brain to always need to be entertained and distracted. When I was distracted I couldn’t engage in deep thinking. Overtime, I started to think about issues – weigh pros and cons and formulate arguments in my head about issues I cared about.

6)    I compared myself less to others.

As humans we are wired to compare and evaluate. And though I would remind myself that everyone is at a different spot in their life, it was hard to not notice or feel disappointed or jealous (however slightly) with some of the opportunities others were having that I would like. Unplugging from Instagram really helped me become even more present in the moment and appreciate where I was at.

Recently, I went through my phone and deleted even more Apps. I bought a watch to be less dependent on my phone for the time. I even wrote the rough copy of this blog post on good old-fashioned pen and paper. I have also recently logged back on to Instagram and posted some content. And while, for now, I have decided to allow it to be a useful tool in my life I have developed a much clearer plan about how I will utilize it. I’m not opposed to social media but I am opposed to having these platforms be such big stakeholders in my mind, life and business. I get one life to live, so I want to live it in the best way I can. Social media is hard for me to engage with unless I put very strict boundaries in place. And truth be told, I probably am missing out on some opportunities by being on social media less. But I’m okay with those possible missed opportunities because I’m able to live aligned with the values that I believe are important in my life. At the end of the day I’m never going to wish I had spent more time on social media.

Would you like our checklist to reduce time on social media? Tap here. Or our 5 favourite apps to beat social media? Click here.

Want even more resources? Head here!

Body Image Formation Begins in Infancy

We come into the world wired for connection and completely dependent on our caregivers. From temperature regulation to mobility to a need for physical touch we are utterly helpless. Indeed, babies who do not have their basic needs met typically have developmental lags in their physiology, social and emotional capacity, stress response systems, cognitive and language development, and identity formation. In other words, virtually every aspect of them is impacted.

A baby has thousands of experiences during the first few months alone that teach them about themselves and the world around them. When they cry they are picked up and soothed, when they hurt they are comforted, when they are uncertain they are reassured, when they are hungry they are fed. Having these needs met not only provides the safety net in which they can explore and learn but also teaches them about their worth and importance.

Simultaneously, during the first two years of life the baby’s brain structures are undergoing tremendous growth which allows for an increasingly sophisticated understanding of themselves and the world around them. In fact, it is the thousands of early experiences between the baby and the primary caregiver(s) in conjunction with their growing brain that sets up a fundamental framework, all before they have language, through which the baby will view themselves and all other relationships as they get older. And so, in a healthy and optimal relationship, repeated experiences reinforce that we learn we are lovable for who we are, our voice matters, our body is our own, our body is strong and good, and our body is one aspect of our entire identity.

As we get older, while we may become more independent, we never stop needing others. Regardless of our age, it is the human condition to need to matter. At some point, other influences are introduced into our lives, such as peers and media. Our parents, peers, and the media are all different vehicles for us to receive messages about ourselves. Media consumption begins in infancy or toddlerhood for most kids these days. By the time a child is 8-12 years old, they consume on average 6 hours of entertainment media a day. Depending on the peers and media we are surrounded with, we either receive messages that are consistent with what we learned during our first few years of life (e.g. we are special, we matter, our bodies are good, we don’t need to change our appearance to be liked) or we start to receive varying degrees of contradicting messages (e.g. you’ll have more friends if you change your appearance, people will respect you if you are good at this sport or online game, you’ll fit in better if wear this product etc.)

By the time we are 10 years old we have had millions of experiences that have laid the groundwork for the architecture of our belief systems, which importantly, occurs largely outside of our conscious awareness. Yet our prefrontal cortex, the rational, logical, abstract, thinking part of our brain is still highly immature and only beginning to develop. We are unable to decipher nuanced and subtle messages and must be taught how to decode the meaning of the layers that we see and experience around us. 

Too often, our conversations around body image begin when our children are entering puberty and for many tweens, their body image is plummeting. And while I believe it is never too late to reach any person to nurture a positive body image, if we, as parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, and important adults of our kids’ lives, started understanding that body image formation ultimately begins when we are very little, the easier it would be to set up a whole generation for resilience in the first place. 

What this means has huge practical implications in a number of places, but I’ll highlight three.

First - As parents we must realize that we are critical in nurturing a positive body image and that this job is first and foremost up to us. If we are struggling, it is prudent that we get help to free ourselves from the shackles of destructive thought processes and belief systems that are hurting us. It’s very hard to nurture in someone else, something you don’t have. (If you’d like help in how to help your kids work through this as a parent, check out our Parent Program here.)

Second - Because media consumption begins at such a young age and the amount children consume is high, most kids are being exposed to a large quantity of messages about who they are and who they should be. As their brains are still immature, it is imperative that we teach our children critical thinking skills from a very young age so that they have the capability to question and understand the deeper ideas of what they are ingesting. While we have lots of control over the media they consume and messages they receive as toddlers and young children, this changes as they get older. We can’t continue to control all the messages our kids are going to receive from the media, but if we can teach them to engage with media in a critical way then we have given them a layer of armor to protect against harmful or hurtful messages. 

Third - We need to intentionally and continuously create experiences that teach the children in our life, regardless of their body or appearance, that they are enough as they are. Many of the deeper messages in media and advertising attempt to answer the question that we all carry from infancy onward: Am I loveable? Do I matter? Am I worthy of respect? Am I enough? We want to ensure the experiences we are giving our children, from infancy onward, continue to answer these questions in a healthy way. If we don’t answer them, the media will have an answer packaged in a sophisticated and nuanced way that says if you buy this product, if you change your body, if you have a large social media following, if you do x, y and z, then you’ll be enough, worthy of respect and love. (Head here for a FREE resources on some prompts for discussion or journalling with your children.)

As a society, if we continue to wait until puberty or even late childhood to start talking about body image, we will continue to fight the same battles against deeply ingrained, largely unconscious belief systems that have been developing for years. If we were to recognize that our sense of self, including body image formation, begins as a baby we would be able to nurture more resilient, embodied, and confident children as we work to “fill their bucket” and teach them, they are enough and worthy of love, irrespective of their appearance or body.

Interested in doing this work in your household, community, or family? Head here for more information on our Parent Program, or you can snag our Parent Workbook here, or you can head here for more free resources, books, and videos.